Archive for June, 2019

Hope vs Fear

More than a week ago, I was listening to the news and heard someone say something that was very interesting and thought provoking. They were talking about the 2020 elections and said something to this nature: Conservatives campaign on fear and that resonates within the base and those that live with fear. They may not like the candidate but the issues they believe that victimize them are the driver of their vote not the candidate. The candidate only represents those issues. The liberals on the left come from a place of hope and the base votes for the hopes and dreams they wish to fulfill. Fear will always fight, and hope does not fight. So where do we go from here? While this was my interpretation of this statement it felt like a lead balloon.

The very next news report was about one democratic candidate’s statement about working across the isle with other politicians that were supporters of segregation and openly discriminate and vote along those lines. This occurred early in his career. Now the young members of his party are protesting and fighting him over his comments.

These worldly concerns were running through my head as I sat at traffic lights, listening to cars honk and watched people make risky moves in and out of the city traffic. At one point I found myself thinking, who am I, to judge that person for that driving moves. Who am I to judge, if one person should listen to or converse with another who has violated another and suppressed their rights? If I chose to fight them how do I win? If I sit around and hope they change their ways, how do they hear me? I can pray for them to change and I can role model the change I want to see. Or I can step closer to them and ask to hear them. I can use my compassionate heart to hear their words and share with them my words and thoughts. I can set up an opportunity for them to take a step forward. I can find a stepping-stone that helps them see me extending a hand or olive branch. Once I jump up and down and call them wrong and they must change to my view, I lose the gift of compassion. I block them and myself from growth.

During that day I was in an interview and was asked a question that mirrored this scenario in the nursing patient relationship. I said, I have no right to judge the non-compliant patient, it is my role to meet them where they are and to offer compassion, knowledge and faith to support their moving forward even if it is one little step.

The polarization of our nation has continued to play out over these last few years very publicly. I believe it started long before that in a more hidden, underground way. Perhaps the politics of the 50s, 60s, and 70s of crossing the line to the work with those on the other side of congress and the senate was not such a bad thing. Even if they worked with those that were prejudice, bigots and misogynist. These politicians with all their beliefs and behaviors were voted into their roles by people with similar beliefs. I cannot make them go away by fighting. When did berating each other become the right way to resolve differences? Why does one side need all the power and the other no power or say? Now, I am not giving power to discrimination, suppression of others, and hate. I am choosing to acknowledge it is there and to step on a platform that is shared by other views. Until we look each other in the eyes and say you have value we can not move forward we can only get further apart.

I once read a story of tribes in Africa that would address civil disobedience without punishment. The person who did the act against others, steal and even murder, were placed in the center of all the tribe members. They were languished with love, each tribe member sharing the positive things they saw in this person over the course of a few days or week/s. It went 24 hours a day for multiple days. Each tribe member having a part in this display of love, even those wronged participated. And the person in the center received all these positive affirmations and energy. This continued until the person showed a change in themselves. They acknowledged their wrong and committed to their own plan for repentance. They would pay their debt to the tribe by service to those they hurt. In the situation of murder, they committed to a lifetime of service to the family that lost the love one.

It is an interesting concept and one we often hear about from parents who are at their wits end with a disobedient child or drug addicted adolescent. They stop the fight and start to praise their child for everything good. Sometimes they search for that good at the bottom of the barrel, but they deliberately chose to find good in every situation. They stop bringing attention to every disobedient action or drug use. I have read this multiple time, in parent self-help books or books on love and forgiveness.

How can that help in politics? Do we stop the fight by not showing up to March against it? If there is no one to hear and to fight what will happen to their anger and furry without the fan of resistance? If they have no one to fight will the awaiting silence open the door for them to listen? Will the loss of an audience change their stance as they try to find a new place to fit into society? I am not sure of the right approach. To join someone where they are, too start a conversation, or to walk away, leave no fight, and no one to listen. I see how each of these approaches can help to depower the negative and to allow room for a new voice to emerge.


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On June 9th, I read an article in the New York Times that reported on abuse to the disable in New York City, in state-run residences and group homes. It was a heartbreak to read that the most vulnerable who require compassion and love were so badly treated. Some of these residents even died at the hands of those they trust. This type of story always rips at my heart, my youngest brother is 50 with downs syndrome. He still receives incredible care by my, 93-year-old, mother. While he is independent in his activities of daily living, he will always require a caregiver as he lives in his playful preschooler mentality.

The story also took me back to a previous role as a nurse administrator. In an organization that had a population of medically fragile and severely disabled children, teens and young adults, I found a weak nursing department and care that did not meet my expectations. At first, I was told it was a previous nurse administrator who did not know how to manage staff and did not know the care regulations. I made it my mission to improve the training for staff and to focus on improving care. I did my best to educate the Executive Director and other administrators thinking it would be a welcomed change.

It took me a good 9 months before I awoke to the realization the Executive Director and HR were undermining the changes for all the wrong reasons. The Executive Director, (E.D.) wanted nursing care to be minimal since they were not a health facility. The mission of the organization was around education and communication with technology. The E.D. had rationalized over her long tenure that meeting standards of care for this population was only for medical facilities and not for housing medically fragile and severely disabled teens and young adults. She often stated that families don’t have to meet those standards so it could not be expected by the nursing department, since they replaced the family part of the year.

The article pointed out the union and arbitrators were lenient on staff who were abusive. The organization I worked in had the same mentality of putting some staff rights ahead of the clients. While they did not have any union employees the HR manager always started meetings with a statement that she was there to advocate for the employees. She worked more like a union rep than organization HR. It was the first organization I ever worked in that HR had no alliance with the mission and vision of the organization. I did my best to bring both the E.D. and H.R. representative back to the mission of serving this population of individuals.

Sometimes, when we think we can do good and want to fix a problem we do not always understand the motives of others. In this situation, I was naïve thinking everyone wanted to fix the problems. Yet the long-term pathology was a hard one to break. For more than a decade nursing was the ugly stepsister in this organization. Other departments saw their own contributions to the individual as more important than changing diapers and cleaning up vomit. The  employees in these departments often screamed and bullied nursing caregivers, licensed and non-licensed. If the nursing staff screamed back or even defended themselves, they were called unprofessional and disciplined while the other department staff member was called passionate. The nursing staff were often timed by these departments when they took an individual to the bathroom and claimed they took too long. The non-nursing staff had no idea what it took to clean and change a fully grown disable person who was wheelchair bound, and unable to assist. The care staff utilized lifts and often had to work in twos to ensure safety for the client and themselves as these individuals grew bigger and heavier. The staff had to work around the individual’s spasms and sometimes be interrupted by seizures. To clean and change an individual may have taken 10 to 20 minutes based on the individuals needs and the time it took to get back and forth through the facility. Many of these clients needed frequent tube feedings and medications. At the time I had started in this organization, the pathology was deep, and the environment was explosive. The individual who was the mission was now the rope in a tug of war as all departments were committed to their tunnel vision and anger towards nursing. Nursing was worn, defeated and very devalued.

I know I made some improvements there, but not enough. When I first arrived, the E.D. believed one RN could handle care for 14 medically fragile and severely disable individuals. The individualized care needs of these residences were never accounted for, nor were the fact these same individuals often had round the clock nursing when they were at home. The E.D., believed strongly as temporary housing, that level of attention was not required. She once told me, student’s in private boarding schools do not get that type of care, so it was unrealistic to think they should get it in this environment. Yet, she often promised families we would meet all the needs of their loved ones.

I eventually increase care to two LPNs and a RN covering the residence which included, 12 to 14 individuals, and the hundreds of medications, treatments and procedures these individuals required daily to survive. The staff had to respond to over-head calls for emergency care throughout the facility for seizures, respiratory problems or any other nursing need. Yet, it was consistently a struggle for the Executive Director as she often told me, ‘nursing cost too much and needed to be contained. ‘ I told her she could contain cost by stop recruiting and admitting individuals with this level of medical complexity and severe disability. I also approached the idea of developing a relationship with a care facility not far away so they could do the round the clock care and these individuals would stay in the organization as day participants. Neither of these ideas matched her idea of the legacy she wanted to leave behind. She wanted to fill the residence on a tight budget and prove it could be done with minimal cost. None of these individuals, were physically abused, yet many did not get the quality of care they deserved. The staff may have skipped a changing or two during the day, or they just stuffed their diaper with extra pads instead of changing when they were wet. Care needs may have been skipped but documented as done. Many of these behaviors developed out of fear of the abuse they received and was supported by HR. When new nursing staff started, they quickly became a target if they did not meld into the culture. While I was there the staff that consistently helped support the care goals I set and followed the policies were bullied by peers. Once I left, they were terminated for not getting along with the others on the team.

Spiritually, we each must accept the Karmic repercussions of our actions or lack of action. This one has been hard on me knowing I did not accomplish all that was needed for these blessed beings. I know, I made mistakes in this part of my journey, some out of being naïve, and others because I dug my heels in trying to create a change the organization was not open to receive. I recognize in hindsight, I could have made other decisions early on that may have torn through the organization and upset the apple cart. Yet, that approach did not seem right since these individuals truly found joy in this place and I was eager to work with the E.D. who expressed wanting to make the improvements. While it took me time to learn her true core beliefs, she too will learn through karma for her own spiritual growth.

Karma also goes for organizations, cultures, and countries. How Karma is delivered is not mine to guess or wish any negative repercussions. Every day, I remember the blessed beautiful souls of the individual clients, nursing staff, and other organization members and send them a blessing.

I often find myself thinking of the souls incarnated into a disable being and how their experience supports their spiritual growth. I believe that before any of us are born into this time and dimension, our Souls agree to support the other in the physical journey on earth. With this mindset, I feel blessed to honor and assist the soul of my brother in this lifetime. I believe that my mother has earned wings and a halo with the incredible care and love she gives to him. This same belief also sits heavy in my heart, as I think of the incredible souls in the clients at that previous organization. I try to remember that their was some successes regardless if it was all that needed to be done or not.  So today, I send positive thoughts and prayers to every soul incarnated in a human with a disability who is dependent on others. I also send blessings to those that love them and care for them to honor the soul within.

In the next book I am playing with the idea that China will find herself in a similar situation and will have to work through her own human frailties and those of others who care for our most vulnerable. Once again, I see here, if we all shift our thinking to honor the Soul within each person then abuse or neglect will fade away.

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These past two weeks have been busy. King and I left PA to head out to Hagerstown, Maryland on May 29th. We drove through heavy storms for most of the three-hour ride. The thunder was booming, and the lighting was flashing. At times I was unable to see what was ahead of me or driving along our side. I thought about pulling over, but without visibility, I just kept moving ahead. Occasionally, I caught a glimpse of a vehicle alongside me or a truck in front of me. I didn’t lose my navigation signal, and I knew I was on the PA turnpike. So, I offered the steering wheel over to God and Arch Angel Michael and did my best to relax into the drive and the storm. Yet, several times, I found myself sitting on the front edge of my seat with a tight grip on the steering wheel. Each time I had to say, “I trust you have this one and will keep King and I safe.”

King does not like lighting and thunder. To my surprise, he was calm and sitting straight up in the back seat. He watched from side to side without a whine or whimper. Back home during storms, he will get anxious and scratches at the floor. Often, I put him on his lead, and he travels around the house with me as I do my work, and this keeps him calm. If I am gone for the day when we have bad weather, I leave him in the big kitchen so he cannot scratch the hardwood or rugs in other rooms. His anxiety with thunder has been building over the last few years. At night he finds refuge in the master closet curled up in a ball in a dark room without windows in the center of the house. I have not been able to find him a thunder shirt that fits. The shirts sold in stores are always too small. Even the shirts they call X-large were made for a much smaller dog.

So here we are in a reverse roll. King is sitting straight up calmly watching the aggressive storm around us as the public radio station repeatedly blasted the storm and tornado warnings. When we travel, King is in a harness called a load harness. This is the only seat belt I have ever found that adjust easily for the big dog. He can still move around in the back seat while he is very secure. As I looked back at King, I can see he is sitting tall. I can image Arch Angel Michael is next to him with his arm around his shoulders. I smiled when I heard myself say, “Thank you both.” The peace and safety of that moment filled me the remaining trip.

As you may have already guessed, King is important to me. He is a great companion, non-judgmental and an easy-going friend. The funny thing is, while I cook for King and take care of his every need I see him as spiritually teaching me how to totally surrender. King trust his every need will be met, and if it does not go exactly as he wants, he waits it out knowing, he will not be forgotten. What a lesson for me to learn.
While I trust in God, I also know I sometimes do some knee jerk things to force things to work out. Unfortunately, I can not remember a time when that worked for the long term. Even when there is a short-term gain, in time, it often implodes and feels worse than the original circumstance.

So here I sit again, in a situation I thought I would never return to. I look back and must admit to myself there were some knee jerk reactions, and I tried to squeeze myself into a new place to avoid the old. I wonder how this happened when I pray and meditate. Yet I know, it does not matter how it happened, the lesson is, I must relax into it and allow the Divine to work through me for the resolution. Sometimes doing nothing is far better than a knee jerk. Other times trusting one step at a time, with turning inward for direction, is the best despite the feeling of pending doom.

Lessons learned from King are invaluable. One time, when we were visiting my mother’s retirement community, King and I were in the main lobby. He was laying on the ground at my feet with people standing around him when a man in a motorized cart came down the hallway and caught a glimpse of King. Moving quickly, he verged to his left towards the crowd and King. As he approached, everyone stepped back, and the motor cart came straight at King’s head. I felt frozen for that moment and then looked at King and he was not phased as he watched the cart. Just as the man reached him, he turned his cart within a half inch of King’s head and body. He flew by and clumsily dropped his arm and hand to run along King’s head and down his back, before steering his cart back to the other side of the hall. My quick nursing assessment told me the man had a brain injury, maybe a stroke that cause a left hemiplegia. The way his left arm dropped and ran across King I suspected he had weakness and little ability to control his arm’s function. Yet his driving with his right arm was on target. King remained calm as my racing heart needed a few minutes to slow down.

As I sit here today, finishing this blog post, now 11 days in the making, I long to have the wisdom that King often possess. I sometimes, think of him as a spiritual guru that has the knowledge that I strive to gain. Not only is he wise beyond a dog’s life, but King also has the most soulful eyes I have ever looked into. When I see those eyes looking at me, I feel my own soul stir in recognition, he is more than a canine companion.

Perhaps, in a future post, I will share the story of how King and I met. To me, it still feels magical and full of Divine intervention. In the sequel to. The Extricated Soul, I have already started to write King into the story. It will be fun to watch how his beautiful soul works alongside China and Eleazar.

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